CONVERSATIONS WITH MYSELF...THE TRUTH

SO... USUALLY I JUST PACK THIS DOWN WITH THE REST OF THE THINGS THAT DRIVE ME CRAZY, THAT I CAN'T RESOLVE, THAT I'M TOO AFRAID TO FACE. I PROMISED I WOULD NEVER SAY IT AND NOW THAT I'M ABOUT TO, I CAN THINK OF A MILLION REASONS WHY I SHOULDN'T. IT'S AS IF IF CROSS MYSELF I WILL HAVE WRONGED THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD. BECAUSE TO ME I'M THE ONLY ONE THAT EXISTS. AND MY LIFE'S PURPOSE IS TO KEEP EVERYONE AROUND ME PLEASED. AT LEAST THE ONE'S THAT DESERVE IT. THE ONE'S THAT DON'T... I TORTURE THEM IN MY MIND TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. BECAUSE I KNOW I'LL PROBABLY NEVER TELL THEM HOW I REALLY REALLY FEEL ABOUT THEM. HOW MUCH I LOATHE THEIR EXISTENCE AND WISH NOTHING MORE THAN FOR THEIR LIVES TO COME DOWN ON THEM IN A FURY OF DESOLATION... IF ONLY I COULD MAKE THAT HAPPEN. AND SO CONTINUES THE SAGA... THERE'S SOME THINGS WHICH I DON'T QUITE UNDERSTAND THAT BOTHER ME CONSTANTLY... EVERY WAKING MOMENT AND ALL THOSE IN BETWEEN. I HAVE EVERYTHING, YET I HAVE NOTHING. I'VE DONE EVERYTHING I'VE WANTED TO AND EVEN STILL HAVE ACHIEVED LESS THAN MOST. EVERYTHING UNFINISHED... EVERYTHING LEFT TO ROT LIKE SOME UNFORTUNATE CARCASS PREYED UPON BY THE VULTURES. IT IRRITATES ME... I THOUGHT IT NOT POSSIBLE, BUT I HAVE FOUND A WAY TO END MY LIFE BEFORE IT STARTED. SO YOUNG. SO MUCH GAINED AND SO MUCH WASTED. I'VE SPENT MY LIFE EXCLUDING MYSELF AND NOW I AM TRULY ALONE AND TO WHAT AVAIL? I ENJOYED IT BEFORE AND NOW I DON'T. IT'S GOTTEN OLD. THE LONGER I'M ALONE THE MORE I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH PEOPLE... AN ENDLESS ROUTINE. AND I...MORE AND MORE DISAPPOINTED WITH MYSELF ALONG THE WAY. NO AMBITIONS... NO DREAMS... AND YET I WANT IT ALL... I NEED IT ALL. SURE I DON'T HATE MYSELF THE WAY I USED TO, BUT THAT'S NOT NECESSARILY A GOOD THING. BECAUSE NOW I DON'T REALLY HAVE ANYTHING I WANT IT MAKES ME SELFISH. I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO KEEP EVERYTHING FROM EVERYONE BECAUSE I HAVE THE LEAST AND IF THEY TAKE THAT... WHERE WILL MY MIND GO? I'M HANGING BY A THREAD OF SANITY AS IT IS. EVERYTHING RUINED... AND NO HOPE OF RESTORATION. I'M NO LONGER IMMUNE TO THE PAIN AND TO ASHAMED TO SHOW IT. I DIDN'T CARE BEFORE AND NOW... WHEN IT'S AT IT'S PRECIPICE I CHOOSE TO HIDE IT, PUT ON A FACADE. I'M JEALOUS OF EVERYONE, EVERYTHING. THEY ALL HAVE PURPOSE AND I JUST EXIST. I SPENT SO MUCH TIME BEING UNHAPPY AND NOW WHEN I SHOULD BE SATISFIED I AM MORE UNFULFILLED THAN I'VE EVER BEEN. I'M SO LOST. EVEN DRUG ADDICTS HAVE A GOAL... JUST GET THAT NEXT HIGH. THE WHORES... TO HAVE THEM ALL. AND THEN THERE'S ME... AND I DRAW A BLANK. I'M FAKE AND I HAVE BEEN FOR A LONG, LONG TIME NOW. SO MUCH THAT I CAN NO LONGER DRAW THE LINE BETWEEN "MYSELF" AND MYSELF. THEY'RE ALL STUCK TOGETHER LIKE SOME PITIFUL PLAY-DOH SCULPTURE THE KIND WHERE ALL THE COLORS ARE MIXED TOGETHER BUT THEY NEVER REALLY DO THEY JUST SWIRL AND SWIRL AROUND EACH OTHER, BUT NEVER TRULY COMBINE. AND EVERYTHING THAT I'VE TRIED TO NUMB THE PAIN ARE NOW MY DEMONS. THEY LIE IN WAIT IN EVERY CREVICE OF MY MIND, BEHIND EVERY SHADOW OF MY HEART. AND I'M FINE WITH LEAVING THEM ALONE. I NEVER TOUCH THE STUFF ANYMORE... BUT I WANT TO. AND BY STUFF I DON'T MEAN ANY PARTICULAR THING BUT AN ARRAY OF PEOPLE, PLACES, AND THINGS... FOR LACK OF BETTER WORDS "STUFF". I WANT IT AND DON'T NEED IT. I HATE IT , BUT MY CURIOSITY IS APPARENTLY HAVING AN ALL- TOO- WELL- KNOWN AFFAIR WITH IT. IT'S LIKE WATCHING A MOVIE BACKWARDS, I KNOW HOW IT ENDS, BUT I CONSTANTLY WANT IT "ONE MORE TIME". JUST LONG ENOUGH TO GET IT RIGHT. TO END IT ON MY OWN TERMS. THE TRUTH IS... I'M NOT KIND OR VIRTUOUS BY CHOICE. IT'S JUST THE FACT THAT EVEN SIN WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. I'D LIKE TO THINK I HAVE MORALS... BUT AT THIS POINT I'LL TRY ANYTHING. THE ONLY REASON I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING UP UNTIL NOW IS BECAUSE THE OPPORTUNITY WILL NOT OFFER ITSELF. I WANT TO BE BLIND LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. BECAUSE SEEING IS BELIEVING AND MY EYES HURT AND IT HURTS MY HEART AND MY MIND AND IT RATTLES MY SOUL WITH A SCREECHING LAMENTATION WHENEVER I AM TO FACE IT. I AM NOTHING, INVISIBLE TO NO ONE ,BUT MYSELF. AND I AM TO BLAME. ALL THAT I SUFFER IS SO UNFORTUNATELY MY FAULT. NO ONE TO BLAME... WHO DO YOU BLAME FOR UNHAPPINESS IF NO ONE IS EVER AROUND TO RUIN IT FOR YOU? "SNAP OUT OF IT!!", I KEEP TELLING MYSELF. BUT I CAN NO LONGER LIE. HOW FRUITLESS TO HAVE NOT FULLY ENJOYED LIFE AT ANY POINT WHETHER VALID OR INVALID AND STILL BURN THEREAFTER? WOE IS ME.